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The Client that got away
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| Man: | I’d like to open a trading account. |
| Broker: | Excellent. Always good to have new business in these difficult times. Now I’ll just need to ask you a few questions to satisfy the "know your client" rules of the Exchange. You know, old chap - money laundering – that sort of thing. Your name isn't Launder is it? |
| Man: | No, wrong sketch mate. Go ahead with your questionnaire. |
| Broker: | Have you any previous experience of trading in the stock market? |
| Man: | Well, not really, I normally use fund managers for that sort of thing. |
| Broker: | OK, I’ll just put "complete amateur" on the form. And how much were you thinking of investing? |
| Man: | Oh, I don’t know. Say about 15 bars for starters? |
| Broker: | "Very good Sir" [the broker instantly folds away his copy of the Racing Standard and becomes polite] "that's 15 million Hong Kong… |
| Man: | No no, I mean bars as in billion, US dollars |
| Broker: | Jesus Christ! |
| Man: | No, but you are close. The name's "Joseph" |
| Broker: | And I suppose you’ve got a technicoloured dreamcoat too? |
| Man: | No, but a colleague of mine does a natty line in bow ties…. |
| Broker: | Never mind that. We’ll just put "more money than sense" in the net-worth box. May I ask how you came by all this um, shall we say, "liquidity"? |
| Man: | Well, actually, I collected it from 6 million people, over a period of about 147 years. |
| Broker: | Are you sure you’re not connected with the Church? |
| Man: | Not a bit of it. We just skim a bit off here and there – you know, stamp duty, land premiums, booze, betting levy, that sort of thing. |
| Broker: | No drug money? |
| Man: | Nope. We used to tax opium but we banned that before World War II. |
| Broker: | Do you have any particular stocks in mind? |
| Man: | Anything and everything. And I’d like to play the futures too. A mate of mine in a hedge funds said I could make some dough. |
| Broker: | [aside] hmmm. Rich and gullible. I like this
guy…… [To client]: and how will Sir be settling his account? |
| Man: | Are Hong Kong dollars OK? |
| Broker: | [sharp intake of breath] Oooh, I don’t know, we don’t get much call for them these days…. |
| Man: | Aw, come on man, that’s all I got right now. I've been spending my greenbacks in the forward market. |
| Broker: | Very well. But I want non-sequential used notes. None of that Exchange Fund Bill junk. |
| Man: | Done. And money’s no object. In fact, pay as much as you can. Give me "expensive" with a capital E on them stocks. |
| Broker: | Are you crazy? You want me to pay as much as humanly possible? Top dollar? The whole shebang? |
| Man: | Yes, BUY, BUY! |
| Broker: | OK, bye-bye…you clearly don't have the compos mentis to sign this form. |
and with that the broker booted the would-be client out of his office and passed up the opportunity to execute the easiest, biggest, take-no-prisoners buy order of all time.
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